Creative block diaries #1: how I’m finding my way back to my creative practice
I’m writing to you on Day 120 of being utterly creatively blocked. Four months ago, on October 31, I finished my last day of Peachtober (a variation on the Inktober challenge) and since then I have barely picked up a pencil. I successfully completed the entire challenge and I was really happy with how my pieces turned out (I’ve uploaded the collection here!), but after a month of having a daily prompt and using the same materials each day, I felt suddenly adrift when it ended and I found myself at a complete loss as to what to make. I had already planned on taking a post-Peachtober break, however, so I didn’t think much of it at the time. Now here we are four months later and I’m still stuck.
Each time I’ve tried to crack open my sketchbook…crickets. I feel shaky and uncertain. My hand feels stiff and clumsy, like it completely forgot how to hold a pencil, let alone make anything with it. It feels different than the burnout I’ve experienced before, which felt a lot more like depression. I had no desire or energy to even think about art. This time around, I have the desire but lack the confidence or direction. I’m grateful to still be able to feel the joys of inspiration but being unable to actually make anything sends me reeling into an existential crisis all the same, and a crisis like this creates the perfect conditions for all of my favorite insecurities to wake up from hibernation. What am I doing? Who do I think I am? Am I making a fool of myself? What on earth could I have to offer? What’s the point? As this creative block has stretched on and on, I have found myself wondering if I even like making art after all, which is the most unsettling thought of them all.
Deep down though, I know that isn’t the case. I know because of the way I come alive when I see a beautiful painting or the way I am moved by the color palette of a landscape. I know because of the way I light up when I talk about an exhibit I visited and because when I do make art, it’s one of the few times that I completely lose track of time. And let me tell you, getting lost in the moment is no easy feat if you’re an overthinker like me. All that to say that I know in my heart, I am an artist, even if my hands have temporarily forgotten how to draw and paint.
Over the past few months, I’ve been patient and given myself space to rest, which were key steps when I was going through burnout. Lately, however, patience has started to just feel a lot like waiting. Waiting for a sign, a push, a spark. It feels less like self compassion and more like fear or complacence. In this uncomfortable phase, I have started reaching for my favorite crutch: spending lots of time creating the “perfect” plan. I’ve driven myself crazy trying to come up with the optimal art curriculum for myself to follow when I’m ready to pick up a paintbrush again. This involves lots of lists and spreadsheets and endless research. But at the end of those hours spent staring at a computer screen, no progress has been made. No perfect plan has been concocted and I am no closer to climbing out of this rut, which is why I have decided that it’s time to take a more active (while still gentle) approach. The way out does not lie in a spreadsheet or a schedule but in the small acts of living a creative life.
“A creative life is an amplified life. It’s a bigger life, a happier life, an expanded life, and a hell of a lot more interesting life. Living in this manner—continually and stubbornly bringing forth the jewels that are hidden within you—is a fine art, in and of itself.” - Elizabeth Gilbert (Big Magic)
In order to invite my inner artist back into my life, I need to start showing up again. To begin, here are some of the steps I’m taking to find my way back to my creative practice.
Fill my creative well.
During this period when I’m struggling to create, I’m trying to focus on nurturing my creativity in other ways. I’m still finding joy in seeing and experiencing art so I’ve been going to lots of museums and galleries to fill up on inspiration. A couple of highlights have been the Edward Hopper exhibit at The Whitney (closes on March 5!) and my first visit to the Salmagundi Club where my husband and I were treated to an impromptu tour by the curator! I also completely fell in love with Chiura Obata’s work at the East of the Pacific exhibition at the Cantor Art Center. A few other ways I’ve been filling up my creative cup are listening to new music, poring over art books, and reading poetry in the mornings. Even if I’m not making anything, these little acts nourish my creative brain and also just make me happy!
My homework for this month: Go to at least one museum and go to the ballet with Sid.
Try new ways of expressing my creativity.
It sometimes feels like my inner artist might just be craving different ways of expressing herself, so I’m trying to keep an open mind and listen to the inklings that arise. For example, even though I haven’t much felt like picking up a paintbrush, I have been drawn to more physical expressions like dance and figure modeling. Last week, I took the leap and started looking into studios where I can figure model and I finally made it to a dance class! While it was even harder than I imagined, I had so much fun and it made me want to dance even more! I’ve heard that sometimes trying a new medium for a while can be helpful when working through creative block, so I want to continue to follow this curiosity and try new ways of expressing myself even if they feel a bit scary. Worst case scenario, it might not help me get back into painting but I’ll still get to be creative, get out of my comfort zone, and have a really great time in the process!
My homework for the month: Take another dance class and continue to pursue figure modeling.
Make my creative space inviting.
This may or may not just be me procrastinating, but I do know that my environment plays a really big role in how I feel. My little studio in our apartment had gotten pretty disorganized and I started to feel ashamed every time I walked in there because it felt neglected. Feeling inspired by the arrival of my new lantern (thank you, Sid!), I’ve been tidying and doing a little redecorating over the past few weeks, so now it feels warm and inviting again. I find myself wanting to spend more time in there, which is one step closer to making art! Boo is also excited to be spending more time in her cozy studio bed as you can see below.
My homework for this month: Declutter my art supplies and update my inspiration board for spring!
Create in community.
The more time has passed, the more difficult it becomes to start back up again. I feel self-conscious and uncertain, and one of the only things that makes it easier to settle into a creative session is being surrounded by other artists. Just like with exercise, I’m more committed to doing it if I make plans with a friend or pay for a ticket to a class or event. There is something about creating in community that takes the edge off, so over the past couple of weeks, I’ve made it a point to sign up for communal activities like figure drawing sessions and the dance class. I’m planning on signing up for several more art events throughout this month and setting up a few art dates with friends. Once I’m back in the habit of creating more regularly with the help of these group sessions, I’m hoping I’ll feel more at ease when playing around in my sketchbook at home.
My homework for this month: Go to at least four art events or art dates with friends, including one NYC Urban Sketchers outing.
One of the biggest lessons I’m learning as an artist is that creativity is anything but linear. It ebbs and flows, and it requires you to have a lot of faith. So if you’re in the midst of a battle with burnout or block, I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone, and perhaps we can find our way back together! Let this be your permission to rest, regroup, and treat yourself with compassion and patience. But also let this be your gentle nudge to invite creativity back in by trying something new, getting out in the world, and seeking beauty in museums, in the park, in your neighborhood coffee shop. Know that the light will come back on and you’ll find joy in your creative practice again. (I’m writing this as much for myself as for you!) Because, after all, we are artists!
I’ll do my best to share any revelations or helpful tips I discover along my own journey, and I’d love to hear your own creative block wisdom in the comments!
Posted March 1, 2023
